A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Thanksgiving
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| By Sean Brodrick |
Thanksgiving is a wonderful time of year for getting together with family and friends.
A poll shows that two out of three people are hoping to avoid talk about politics at the big meal. Good luck with that!
But the bright thing about less political talk is that it gives us more time to tell family stories.
For example, my friend Patrick offered a heartwarming story about the time when he and his wife bought a farm.
“We hosted a huge Thanksgiving dinner with all our friends.
“My friend Mary and I stuffed and roasted the turkey, while Amy and Bee competed to make two different types of mashed potatoes.
“We set up a huge table in the living room — the core of the old farmhouse. It was originally a log cabin built before the Civil War with huge timbers which were never covered up.
“So, all of us were dining in a building constructed long before any of our grandparents had even been born.
“We had enough room for folks to stay over.
“We did some fishing in our pond and sat around talking about all manner of things after we filled up with great food.
“It was like a grown-up slumber party. Easily one of my favorite Thanksgivings.”
I like Patrick’s story because it’s what Thanksgiving is about — family and friends coming together to celebrate. It’s when Thanksgiving goes very right!
But what about … what about when things go VERY WRONG?
In retrospect, it’s very funny. My family and friends have plenty of those stories.
Getting Basted with Tommy Turkey
In the old days — when my father was a boy — if you cooked a big turkey, you cooked it overnight. And someone had to stay up and baste the turkey overnight.
So, my father's father stayed up one Thanksgiving eve to do just that. And a friend of his stayed up with him, as this job is better done with company.
They were both hard-drinking Irishmen. But to their credit, they faithfully basted that turkey all night. Despite drinking a lot, they never wavered in their task.
So when my grandmother, Helen, came downstairs in the morning, she found two drunk Irishmen and a well-basted turkey.
Except, however, they had forgotten to turn the oven on, and in their cups, they never noticed it stayed off the entire night.
That story is a cautionary tale, but it is funny, at least to me.
I asked my friends for their funny Thanksgiving stories. I’ll present some below.
Spicy Potatoes
After hearing my story about my grandfather, my friend Rick responded with this:
“My grandmother substituted Spic and Span for baking powder in a potato dish — and she was stone sober. Fortunately, no one died!”
For those of you who don’t know, Spic and Span is an industrial-grade cleaning agent.
That’s a spicy potato dish.
My friend Barbara related this tale:
“When I was 12, we moved to the country. My sister's Girl Scout troop had a traditional Thanksgiving re-enactment in the woods.
“They tried to have all the dishes cooked over an open fire with cast-iron pots. They all dressed like Colonial Settlers.
“My brother dressed up like an Indian (he was gifted an actual Indian dress feather).
“He rode our neighbors’ horse bareback and had laid a bag of apples over the back of the horse. He rode up to the settlement and greeted the girls.
“My brother turned with his hand outstretched toward where the apples were and said, ‘I bring gifts.’
“The apples had fallen off somewhere in the woods and, at that moment, the horse dropped a load of manure.”
Well, that just shows you can lead a horse to Thanksgiving, but you can’t potty train him.
Losing His Grip
My friend Eddie offers a Thanksgiving horror story:
“I was 16, and we lived on a dairy farm in Acton, Maine … My dad raised turkeys and gave them away as gifts to family.
“He would have me hold the turkey while he cut off its head with a hatchet.
“The first time he tells me, ‘You have to hold real tight and don't let go’, I didn't understand why, but I said ok.
“Well, I gripped that 25-pound bird with two arms, turning it toward the cutting board so its neck was available. Chop!
“Suddenly, wings flapped crazily, and the headless turkey jumped out of my arms and began running down the driveway toward the open field … blood pumping out the head … the turkey ran about 50 yards before collapsing.
“My father laughed. ‘That's why you hold it as tight as you can.’”
I think Eddie’s dad could have given a bit more of a warning, but that’s me.
Here’s a note from my friend Stacy. She says:
“We have been a bit unlucky with Thanksgiving the last few years, with two guests staying at our house in different years ending up in the hospital the next day for different medical conditions. (Not related to my cooking!)
“We are apparently cursed, so people may want to think twice if they get a Thanksgiving invite from me!”
Well, I know that Stacy is a tremendous cook, so I’d probably risk it.
The Icebird Cometh
Let me close with another uplifting holiday story. My friend Paige relates a “crisis” Thanksgiving story that moms everywhere might understand:
“I was the room mom for my daughter’s preschool class. They wanted to have a Thanksgiving feast for the class.
“I enlisted the help of the moms to make food. And for those that were working and couldn’t, I had them contribute to turkey, stuffing and gravy from our local supermarket that was supposed to be fully cooked and ready.
“I was to pick it up an hour before the party when I got a phone call from the supermarket saying, ‘You do realize that it all goes out of here frozen, right?’
“What?! I got my daughter dressed, ran to the supermarket in fury and picked up the stuff.
“I was supposed to heat the turkey, which said fully cooked on the bag, for seven minutes per pound. And I also had to thaw the stuffing and gravy!
“Luckily, at the time we had two ovens and a microwave. I did the best I could and then took it to the school.
“When we cut into the turkey, it was pink inside, so we had to go into the kitchen and slice it up and put plates of it into the microwave to finish cooking it.
“The next day, I went back to the supermarket to demand the money back because it said ‘fully cooked’ on the package.
“I then said that perhaps people would like to know that the store tried to serve raw turkey to preschoolers!
“We immediately got the money back, which I gave to the class for supplies.”
Nice going, Paige. I want her around the next time I’m having a crisis.
Thanksgiving is a time for family and friends and tall tales well told. I’m sure you have a few of your own to swap around the table.
May you have much to be thankful for in 2025 and the year ahead.
I am thankful to count you as a member of our Weiss family. Have a wonderful holiday weekend.
All the best,
Sean
